its 1:33 pm here on a tuesday and i want to write something in my journal but i don't know what. I called my girlfriend today and then realized i stumbled on words because i guess i just had nothing to say. It surely must seem like i am calling just to call and maybe that is what i am doing. I just know i love her and enjoy hearing her voice and having that moment with her whether on the phone, or in person. But, i feel dumb calling and then not having anything to say. I think mostly these moments of awkwardness are created because I am so tired in so many ways.

I have worked 6 day work weeks for over two months now and probably working an average of 65 to 75 hours a week. In addition to that, I have the zoo (see reference in earlier journal entry). Also, there is the stress of finances and stress of the job. I am fighting so hard to get myself beyond this but I am getting so tired and I am sure it shows on my personality. I would love to take two days off and go somewhere... anywhere but i neither have the time or money. I feel a little depressed and I don't like that feeling. I want to snap out of it because I don't want my self being a downer to anyone.

I think about my life and lifes direction and feel like I have been running in place when i has come to my relationships and jobs. I truely believe that my current relationship is the one forever and Sandy makes me feel so good and she is so understanding and supportive of me especially as i have had some tough personal challenges on me through the length of our relationship and she has been fantastic. I think about my two failed marriages and then Maureen. The heart is truely stronger than the will. Here was a woman I believed in and gave all to and turned entirely to believing that my life, and my future was with her. She seemed like the woman I needed in my life. She was soft, caring, fun, and gave me attention and she made me feel great and gave me confidence in myself. I left my wife and jeopardized my job for our relationship, but she could never do that on her end and I was left hurt very bad. I still remember my loud crys on the nights I was disappointed because she was supposed to come see me but didn't and the hurt I felt when she couldn't call me because her husband moved back into her house. It was truely a path I should have never followed, but my heart took me there. Then there was Joyce, and she let me and my son into her home. She was a good woman, but older and we had many sweet moments and I miss her for those moments and it hurts that I left and she wouldn't follow me. I am sure it was for the best because we were beginning to have our differences and she was not as warm to me the last year with her and our passion had weakened. I still remember the morning she accepted my proposal and that makes me cry still today. And so I left Wytheville, a good job and a good woman to be with my kids and that is probably the best decision I have ever made. But the scars are there and they hurt at times.

Well, finally after several months i met someone down here in Florida and I thought every prayer of having it all (kids, job and love) were being fullfilled. I met Ludi and the three months with her made me very happy until she dropped a bomb on me that I never expected. We had so much fun doing things together and I enjoyed her company. I remember our first blind date and I took her for ice cream because she didn't want to do the date thing and so we did a non date thing. But, the complications of my life (four kids, four animals, long hours working, two ex-wives) was something she couldn't handle because she is a to herself type person. So she decided to explore meeting her last boyfriend and so I made a decision to move on. Again, I was hurt because it seemed every time I thought I found the answer to my life's love, the rug got pulled from under me and sometimes I was the one pulling.

And just days after breaking up with Ludi, I am on another blind date with a woman named Sandy. And it was and is very exciting to this day. But inside there is always this fear that I will lose her because it just always seems to go that way and that hurts so deep. It's not that I don't believe or trust in us, but I am so happy with us that I don't want it to end. Sometimes I look to far ahead wondering what our lives will be like a year, two years or more ahead. There is such fun and passion between me and Sandy and I don't want that to ever change because that is what makes us us. Sandy is a very understanding and intuitive person and I know she knows I am under a lot of stress right now and very tired as well, so I hope none of this comes out wrong. I am just expressing myself on paper and trying to get the pains of the past out much like she does and has.

So my present focus is to get myself back on track finacially, be a good father to all my kids, and be the best boyfriend I can be to Sandy. I adore her and am so thankful she is in my life and I hope that we are together for a long, long time. I know that i am not the most perfect person to be with such as the complications mentioned above (kids, ex's, animals, finances), and I am sometimes overly sentimental, and sometimes forgetfull-- but she absorbs that and understands and if she can endure that then she will continue to discover how devoted, loving, and fun I can be. When I am in a relationship and especially one like ours which I truely believe in with all my heart... I put my whole heart and soul into it. This love between me and Sandy is something I do believe in.

I have really rambled on here and because I am very tired I am not really sure I have communicated these things well with out the possibility of being misunderstood.

Anyways... I am going to work again. I am off tomorrow. Cant' wait.

(latest lyrics)

Once in a Lifetime Love
(written for Sandy)

Tender like the touch of satin
Scents of sugar in the air
Lips as warm as days of summer
Fingers swimming through my hair

Slowly closing close together
Drawing like the shade at night
And your words are soft like feathers
Resting on my heart so light

So Don't you doubt it anymore
This is worth the waiting for
This once in a lifetime Love
Once in a lifetime Love
Once in a lifetime Love

Waking to the sound of breathing
Soft as daylight on the sand
And I smile to see her sleeping
Peaceful as a gentle lamb

Eyes of blue begin to open
And I see my life within
Days with her go on forever
And I hope they never end

So Don't you doubt it anymore
This is worth the waiting for
This once in a lifetime Love
Once in a lifetime Love
Once in a lifetime Love

Well... its been busy.

Woke up this morning at 630 am and traveled 1 hour to work, and worked all day until after 8 pm.

through out the day i am constantly demanded upon and find little time for myself and little time to take care of anything at the house, and little time to plan on what bills to pay. I am recieving stress from so many different angles such as work, bills, house chores, child support, etc. and sometimes I just want to cry. I wonder how will I ever get ahead and turn things around so I might have finacial peace of mind and time for myself.

Tonight after work the Chef invited everyone to his place. He is mexican in descent and so are his co workers and friends. They are all so nice and despite the language barrier, I feel so welcomed and at ease. They cooked homemade fajitas (beef and chicken) with homemade salsa. Of course they had cervesas (beer) and everything was fantastic. It was really nice to do something with the co-workers. We are all under alot of stress right now esp. since the store opening is fastly approaching. Seems like we had plenty of staff hired but now it is like each day we are losing 5 to 10 employees each day. I hope we can recover and have enough staff to open. We are only 10 days away from opening.

Well, after the party/ get together I drove 50 min. to home, showered, set up my coffee, folded my clothes in the dryer, ironed my clothes for next day and made my bed and now before I retire for the night I have one thought... Sandy. At the end of the day it comes down to a final thought about the woman whom I am in love with. There is no one else in my life so important to me right now and I am so grateful she is in my life and at this last moment of this day I want to think of her, and express my gratitude to her for all she has been to me in these most recent days of my life. Good night Sandy... I love you!

-- Joe *little rose*

Welcome to Cape Coral Zoo... or as I call it-- home!

So much has happened to me through the year 2006 and I won't go through all of it right now because it is getting late and I must look at finding my sleep. Anyways, most recently, my oldest daughter has moved in with her two dogs and one cat. So, in my house now there is at any given moment the possiblitiy of having myself, my son, my three daughters, two dogs and two cats in my house at one time. Thats my newest world and I call it Cape Coral Zoo. The peace of my house is turned upside down and I am trying to bring it back to its peace. I feel my calling is to be a dad to my kids right now because for some time this was missed because of the travels of my life. I love my kids and hope that I can help them all find a good life direction. Right now, my oldest two seem to need some help but they are not really wanting it. So, I am trying to impact their lives in a sometimes subtle and sometimes more apparent way. I hope I find the right buttons to push and I hope they find their way through life ok. And I hope they learn to clean up after themselves :) Anyways, the zoo certainly distracts me from relaxing...

but then I have an oasis and her name is Sandy. I retreat to her and I find calmness and delight in life. She helps me see my world in a more orderly fashion just by being there for me. And when the Zoo gets to me, I come see her and that does wonders. She is my oasis.

And here is what I currently am... I am struggling financially, I have four kids, four animals and two ex's, I have bills and debts, I have a tooth ache, back ache, and head ache as well as a stomach ache, I am close to being garnished for child support, and I can't afford a lawyer, (for years I was so consistent and good about taking care of my littlest kids and sending support money and then some), and I work a demanding job with a demanding schedule (restaurants). So this is who I am. But there is more...

I am a loving, sensitive, hard working man. I am passionate, artistic and intelligent man. I am (I feel) a man with good looks and attractive, I have a big heart, and huge imagination and I have a quick wit and wonderful humor. I have tender hands and write beautiful poetry, stories and songs. I have great desire to succeed and am a trusting and gentle man. I am honest and try real hard to be a good man to the woman that I love.

So... given the first set of circumstances most woman wouldn't and haven't wanted to walk very far with me. This was who I was to them. Yet, did they not see the value of the second set of qualities?

I don't need them anyways... I have Sandy and she is my oasis. She looks beyond those situations and accepts me for who I am and she has totally blown me away with her love and kindness and passion. I am so lucky to have someone in my life who loves me for who I am and not pass judgement on me because of my life's complications. Thank you Sandy because I have found true love in you.

~~~~~

joe

I

Don't tell me there isn't a Santa Claus because every year and this one especially he brings me the most fantastic and special gifts and seems to know exactly what I need.

The number seven pops up again here at Christmas time and maybe that's a sign. Anyways, that's a whole other story which i will save for another time. But seven seems to be my number. Maybe that means I am lucky. I sure feel that way and not in a way that i feel like going out and buying $100 worth of lotto tickets, or getting on a plane to Vegas because its not like that. It's a different kind of lucky feeling. It's like i don't need to worry because things are in my favor and the odds are with me, and everything is going to be just fine. If i were a betting man I would wager everything on what my heart feels because i feel so very lucky. I really don't think I can lose.

And so, this year i followed my heart and like a child I believed in things that adults just don't. I believed that if I was a good boy then Santa would be nice to me. And I have tried so hard to be a good boy. I have tried to be a better dad, a better person and friend to others, and tried to be more selfless. And I have been so blessed this year.

I crossed a lot of one way bridges this year. Bridges you cross to go somewhere and bridges you know that when you cross that you will never cross back and that you will never be where you were ever again. And you do it because there's a voice inside telling you, guiding you, re-assuring you to go to the other side. The bridge I crossed in June was the most difficult one to cross but this voice re-assured me that it was a bridge to cross and I did. Really, there was no other choice. Before crossing, I looked toward the other side of this bridge and couldn't really see its landing. I did see only one thing and that was all I needed to see-- my kids. But there was nothing else to see and it was scary. And the security of a good job, the warmth of good friends all stood on the end of the bridge I was walking away from. But here I am now on the other side of this one way bridge.

And now at Christmas time I see the gift of love and the gift of following your heart because I was beginning to doubt it all and beginning to doubt that Santa Claus existed at all or ever because every year it broke me to put presents under the tree. I believe in Santa Claus and he does exist. On this Christmas the epiphony has hit me in a most clear and concious way. I feel like the grinch whose heart keeps growing. And with my desire to make my kids happy, to make my friends happy, and those closest to me happy I have learned to give with love. I don't want anything. I don't expect anything. But I have been given gifts. Many great and wonderful gifts. Many warm moments with my children when they used to be to few and far between and having all four of my kids in the same room at the same moment warms my heart and is a most precious gift. To have my oldest daughter Ashley so near and dear to me when for 12 years we were so distant and she suffered the absense of her father and I am so sorry for the years I was away. But I am blessed to see her often and to see what a beautiful young lady she has grown into and her heart that she shows from time to time touches me. It is a gift to be close to her again after so many years. My son Brentt, to keep him so close for many years and to see him mature, show responsibility, and show his caring heart when he bought Christmas gifts for his sisters. He is the shadow of my soul and he makes me so proud. They say we look and sound alike. It is a gift to be close to him everyday. And my daughter Joelle, she is the most sentimental of them all and is so sweet. She can be so loving. She is always a ray of sunshine with her smile and she is darling how she is easily excited. Being back here and being close to her is a gift. And little Jeorgia my comic relief. She is a whiner but she can be so fun and entertaining and shares the same sentimental side that all my kids have. She is my baby and when she comes up to me and says "I love you, daddy," you know my cast iron soul melts like a popsicle on a hot summer pavement. She too is a gift this Christmas. And there now is someone new. I thought this would be a most disasterous and depressing holiday for my innerself until I met Sandy. And I know i quickly had high hopes and i am learning to not look ahead when reading the book of my life, so I am turning the pages only after each is read. But she came like Christmas-- so magical. And she fills my spirit with life. She complements my soul with her own spririt of kindness, creativeness, compassion, and warmth. Her beauty is endless from the surface of her skin to the depths of her being. What she does for me can't be explained. What I can say is that Sandy, too, is a gift. All these gifts come to me at Christmas and they re-assure me that crossing that bridge was the best thing I could do for my kids and now its very clear it was the best thing I could do for me!

I do believe in Santa Claus even though he never brought me my Charlie McCarthey doll. And, I was going to be a damn good ventriliquist.

This Christmas, he has brought me the most amazing gifts and I am so happy.

Merry Christmas St. Nick! I hope you liked the cookies.